She’s Going

As you all know, mom was cremated.  

Contrary to tradition, we did not “bury” her right away but kept her at this little altar we made at home.  This altar was on one of her favorite tables, a few photos of her, and some religious icons she collected. Plus her rosary.  Everywhere we went we’d carried her urn in this small bag so that it felt that she was always with us.  Same is true at home.  Sometimes we’d put the urn in the room.

But this weekend, Saturday, May 26, mom will be in her final resting place.  There will be a mass at 10 am at the cemetery chapel and then luncheon for family and friends.

How do I feel? Mixed feelings.

Will her urn not being home make the house feel more empty?

Will dad be okay with that thought that she is not “there” anymore?

One thing is certain, however.  I miss her.  I miss her each day and I long to hold her one again.

Back

Just got back to the Metropolis (Manila) after going home to file mom’s Estate Tax Return.  It took a good whole 2 days when I thought it would take only 1: you know, go inside, show your documents, pay, go home.  But apparently not.  There were requirements in the Internal Revenue website that were lacking, which I only found out when I was there.  Anyway, to cut the long story short, I was only able to pay the tax in afternoon of Thursday and then officially file the Return on Friday.

So I leave Saturday night only to find out Sunday morning that were were some items I did not disclose!

This will take another week to gather files, documents from the city hall and maybe 3 more days to file and pay the tax on those not declared.  And everything should be done before June 9!

I am not trained in tax law but this is fresh learning for me.  Better I do it myself rather than hire another lawyer and pay hundreds of thousands for this.

My mom’s an american citizen.  I filed a report at the US Embassy already.  I also asked about payment of Estate taxes.  Apparently there is no such thing.  At least, that’s what they told me.

Do you have estate taxes in your country too?  I’d love to hear about it. Please share

Mother’s Day 2012

First Mother’s Day without a mother….

I had no plans for that day except for a dinner out with the hubby.  Basically the plan was just to relax…in bed…and sleep all day.  That’s something of a luxury for me now.  I’d wake up, check the clock, then fall asleep again.  In between dozing off I’d be awakened by text messages of mother’s day greetings.

The little one is spending his summer with the grandpa (my dad) and lil sis.  Dad called to discuss things related to the problems we’ve been having and he would not have greeted me if I did not groggily remind him what day it was.  Well I guess, he too, forgot because mom’s not there anymore.  You see, dad goes to church at 5 am everyday and on special occasions such as this, he’d bring home a bunch of flower for mom.  He greeted me then and called the little one who told me he had a surprise waiting for me.

My day went as scheduled.  The hubby made breakfast (coffee, spicy cheetos and some biscuits), we watched a few Twit episodes.  I took a few naps every so often then we had dinner at this nice Mexican restaurant.

In sum, I was rested.  That very much needed rest.  But then, there was that void.  I guess it will never go away, would it?

How did your Mother’s Day go?

Guilty Greed

Friday’s supposed to be the day of rejoicing.  It’s the end of the week and it welcomes 2 days of no work and just lounge at home, not to mention that Sunday’s Mother’s Day!

But today was a different Friday altogether.

Mom left me with a huge responsibility: handling an impossible little sister and a passive father who’d just let things go to avoid the stress (also because he has a heart problem).

What happened today was something that comes straight out of the movies.  All day I just kept shaking with anger.  I could not do any work.  On the other side, dad’s heart rate and blood pressure increased.  I kept checking on dad the rest of the morning and afternoon to see if he was okay.  I hope I made him realize that mom had just given up on little sis and that, as head of the family, he should finally put an end to it.

I’ll be filing mom’s estate tax return soon and I dread to imagine what the next few days will bring me.

It’s funny how much more of a person you see when money’s involved.

The Dragon Lady

Mom was a dragon.

Well, maybe because she was born on the Year of the Dragon.  But yes, she was a dragon.  Fierce, frank, straightforward and down right scary.  Only people who dared to hear the truth would go to her and ask advice.  Mom was not afraid to say things even if the person concerned would be within earshot.  “It’s the truth”, is what she would say.  And my sister, dad and I would go red from embarrassment.   Maybe that’s why people were afraid of pissing her off.

As a kid, I would wonder things were that way.  But I’d just keep it to myself, lest she get mad at me judging her that way.

Mom was strict.  Ohhhh boy was she very strict.  Whenever she’d get mad, after each of her lectures, she’d never fail to say, “When you grow older you’ll tell yourself,  ‘mommy was right’”.

But Mom, being that dragon that she is, had a lot of patience.  A lot of kindness in her heart.  But once she gets mad, especially when people abuse her kindness, you would not want to be in a room with her.

Over time I slowly realized where mom was coming from.  What made her the tough cookie that she was.  What made her know all the right answers and expect things before they even came about.  I attribute all these to years of experience, years of living alone in a big booming city oceans away from home.

Mom went through a lot.  When I was a kid, she’d tell us stories of her travels, of her life.  She told stories of her success, heartbreaks, and pain.  She endured this on her own and instead of folding in, she continuously stood up.  I guess every time she stood up she became stronger.  Do this for 30 years and you have one solid foundation.

Many people (friends and family) clashed with her beliefs.  They were too modern in an old-fashioned and traditional culture.  That’s because mom was a non-conformist.  Life taught her to be independent, not to rely on anyone but herself.  She did things because she wanted to and what the situation called for.  Not because people wanted her to.  She was never influenced by outside forces.  That’s why it was so hard to break her shell.

Mom trusted a lot.  But it took time and effort to get her to warm up to you.  Amazingly she knew when someone was bad news.  But people never listened to her because they thought it was impossible to judge someone that way too early.  But in the end,  you’ll know she was right and you’ll hear her say, “I told you so.”

Mom was wise beyond her years.  It’s just so sad that everyone, family included, realized it this late, during the last few years of her life.

On Mother’s Day, I will be missing this Dragon Lady.

Off the Beaten Track

When life throws you apples,

go make an apple pie.

If life gives you lemons,

make lemonade and watch the world go by.

Off the beaten track we go

Around and over the world we know.

The end might be too far it seems

We never know when, how, or what it brings.

Bravery you will find along the way

There’s no choice but independence will have to stay.

Believe in what your dreams tell you to do

And you will find that one way through.

Only YOU know what’s right, what you think is best

It’s what’s going to help you pass this life’s big test.

So just move on but sometimes look back

But just go along against that beaten track.

Tribute

Handmade bridge jewelry bracelet of natural peridot, diamond Swarovski crystals, 14k vermeil snowflake with diamond cubic zircons and 14k rolled yellow gold breast cancer ribbbon on a 14k rolled yellow gold chain.

All these bracelet components have their own meaning:

Peridot – mom’s birthstone (August).  It was also her favorite color.

Snowflake -  mom passed away on December 8, 2012.  December = snow = snowflakes

Diamonds – they represent forever.

Breast cancer ribbon charm – mom died of metastatic breast cancer after 5 years of bravely battling the disease.

I make bridge jewelry on the side and this is my first attempt at making bracelets.  So I thought, why not make the prototype AND the very first piece something as a tribute to mom?

So here is it, and I’d like to share this with you:

 

 

Lovely Blog Award

Everyday while preparing to go to work, I read my emails while drying my hair in front of the fan.  One email struck me and, to this day, never fails to bring a smile to my face and inspire me to help (I hope) inspire others.

I, or rather, my blog, was given the Lovely Blog Award by Kathy

I cannot tell you how much this means to me.

I started this blog to remember, much more, as a personal journal of how I’d go through each day knowing that in a few days or weeks, my mom will eventually leave us.  In November 2011, my mom was given a deadline.  She did not know.  I was the only one her doctor told it to.  I had to carry and hide the pain each time I went home to the province to be with her.  Two whole weeks of going home every weekend and one who month of not reporting to work.  The agony, yes.  The pain, yes.  Evenmoreso now.

I opened this blog to find release.  Maybe to look for answers.  Look for people to whom I could talk to and relate to.  People who might have or is going through the same thing I’m going through or what my mom went through.  Over the next few days, I found several who openly shared their lives through their blogs and their comments here.  I have also been consoled with the fact that even with clicking the “like” button, made me realize that I am not alone.

Thank you to everyone who have shared and is continuing to share their journey with me.

Thank you to those who join me in this journey as well.

And most of all, thank you to Kathy, who have forever been very supportive.  I cannot thank you enough for all your insights and helpful comments, and for this award.

My mom is not here with me now.  Oh how I still long to talk to her each day and share my life stories with her. But then again, I know that I don’t need to because she is up there, still looking out for me.

Estate Tax

I am now finalizing the estate tax I have to file with the Internal Revenue.

It’s so disheartening to see how much medical expenses we’ve accumulated the past year.  Not to mention the funeral expenses we had to shoulder.

I hope I get through this…

Everyday

On May 9th, it would be my mom’s 5th month in Heaven.

Like every other person who has lost someone dear to them, each day that passes seem to make the feeling of loss less and less even if the memory seems so fresh.  You go through your day like any other day.  Sometimes you stop, say a little prayer, “talk” to that loved one a bit, and then go on with your work.

I still get up at 5am.  

Leave the house by 6.  Get to the office by 7. And the day goes on.

When I get home I always pass by that little make-shift altar that we have where some of mom’s ashes and her photo are.  I take a glimpse at her photo but don’t cry now as before.  Sometimes I’d say to myself “if you were still here, I’d be talking to you over the phone right now.” 

Then the childhood habit of praying before sleeping happens before going to bed.  I guess it was so automatic because last night I mentioned her name.

Is this how it feels as time goes by?

How were you able to cope through the days, months, years of having that beloved gone?